Lessons Learned from Caring for My Parents
By Chris Wallner, Chief Marketing Officer, Institute on Aging
A few years ago, I found myself in a role that millions of Americans eventually assume but few are fully prepared for: primary caregiver to both of my parents.
Like many adult children, I gradually became responsible for helping manage medications, finances, transportation, healthcare decisions, safety concerns, and ultimately some of the most difficult conversations a family can have. It was a role I accepted out of love, but one that challenged me in ways I never anticipated.
During that time, I wrote something for myself. I called it my “Message to Me When I Am Old.”
At the time, it was a reminder. A set of promises I hoped I would remember someday if I found myself on the receiving end of care. I wrote it after difficult conversations, hard decisions, moments of frustration, and moments of profound gratitude.
Today, both of my parents have passed away.
As I reflect on those years, the words carry even greater meaning. They remind me not only what my parents experienced, but what caregivers experience every day. They remind me that aging isn’t simply about growing older—it’s also about learning how to accept help, trust others, and preserve relationships during some of life’s most vulnerable moments.
One lesson stands above all others: someday, any of us may need a caregiver. We don’t know when it will happen. We don’t know whether it will be because of illness, injury, memory loss, or simply the realities of aging. But if that day comes, how we receive support can profoundly affect the people who love us most.
So today, I’d like to share something deeply personal. This is the note I wrote to myself while caring for my parents. I hope that when my time comes to receive care, I will remember these words. And perhaps they may resonate with others who one day find themselves on either side of the caregiving relationship.
My Message to Me When I Am Old
- Identify the kids you trust, and trust them completely.
- Listen to all who you trust and love.
- Ask that before kids make life changing recommendations, they have enough information not to jump to conclusions…and the delivery is to be considerate and compassionate.
- If you want to age in your home, accept outside help and lower your standards for food (such as meals on wheels, private chef outlets)
- When your kids say you are not safe at home, be open to your kids’ recommendations to move.
- Move before you have to move.
- When kids say it’s time to stop driving…stop. Stop driving for the safety of others.
- Take your meds. If you are taking a lot of meds and your kids say you need help managing meds, be open to help.
- When your kids tell you that your memory is failing, trust their recommendations.
- When your kids tell you that you are making bad financial decisions, trust their recommendations.
- Be kind and respectful of your caregivers…it’s not their fault you are old.
What Caregiving Taught Me
Being a caregiver changed my understanding of aging. It taught me that independence is not the absence of help. Sometimes independence is the willingness to accept help before a crisis occurs. It taught me that the hardest conversations families have are often rooted in love. Most importantly, it taught me that caregiving is a relationship. Success doesn’t come from winning arguments or proving who’s right. It comes from trust, communication, empathy, and shared purpose.
In my role at Institute on Aging, I hear stories of these lessons every day. Families are navigating complex decisions, balancing safety with independence, and trying to honor the wishes of the people they love.
My hope is that sharing this message helps both caregivers and care recipients see each other a little differently.
If you’re currently caring for a parent, know that you’re not alone. And if you’re fortunate enough to be reading this while healthy and independent, consider writing your own message to your future self.
Someday, someone may be caring for you. The greatest gift you can give them may be your willingness to let them.
